The Five Love Languages Expanded

Source.

You may have heard of the Five Love Languages before. And you may have initially felt some twinge of recognition and then had that followed up with a gut feeling (or gut screaming) that it wasn’t developed for someone like you. It could be the overt heteronormativity and sexist questions, or the Christian underpinnings. Seems like such a shame, since there is some goodness there.

The topic came up today in a group chat of amazing women I’m lucky enough to be a part of and a couple of us remarked that it really needed to be reworked to reflect more people’s experiences. One additional love language struck me and was met with the online equivalent of knowing nods so I thought maybe there was something to this. My friend C suggested I crowdsource other additional love languages which was an excellent suggestion.

One of the things that I think is sorely missing from Chapman’s understanding/definitions of love languages is an understanding of power, trauma, and emotional labour. Full disclosure: I have read his website, I haven’t read his books and so my analysis is of the Love Languages as I understand them and would like to suggest they be reworked rather than a deep dive of Chapman’s work.

So You’re a Celebrity Feminist

Don’t do this.

Hi there! Congratulations! You’ve recently announced to the world that you’re a feminist. Maybe it was by wearing a supes cute shirt, responding to a question about the pay gap in Hollywood, or simply a smart new marketing direction you’re going in.

Because I care about feminism I am going to offer, completely free of charge, a real quick tour through the various pitfalls you’re going to need to avoid.

So You Think You Should Respond to That Facebook Post About Race/Gender/Etc

So you’re on Facebook, let’s say, and you see a conversation happening about something you’re quite sure you have a lot of knowledge about, and you’re ready to jump in with guns a’blazing.

And so you do! Generously spreading your knowledge all around. Jumping in to active threads to post about your lived experience, thoughtfully challenging others’, just all around engaging in some really pointed, high-level, political debate.

Weirdly, however, it’s not being received as the act of generosity it was. In fact, they’re being pretty rude about it. And entirely missing the point. And getting pretty emotional. And, fuck, if they keep talking like this they’re just going to drive away all of the people who would be inclined to help them, right?

And, weirdest part of all, this isn’t the first time a bunch of people have been overly sensitive and completely missed how generous your contributions are. Has the whole world gone mad??

How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones

There’s been a lot of digital ink spilled on that awful article I’m not going to link to. This one’s my favourite. Here’s another good one. So I thought I’d write a deeply thoughtful and nuanced version, myself.

Just don’t.

Things I’ve Learned From Sewing My Own Clothes

For those readers who are my real life/social media friends, you’ve no doubt noticed that I’ve picked up a new hobby. My Instagram has been flooded with pics of my burgeoning self-made wardrobe (sorry/you’re welcome).

And I’ve learned some big lessons. Here are a few of them:

Sizing
Anyone who wears women’s clothes knows that shopping is a battlefield–if for no other reason (and oh, there are so many other reasons) than that sizing is all over the place. You’re a squiggle here, a dog there, an expansive universe at this other place, and that store for teens seems to have a forcefield that repels you if you approach. Initially I wrote those as numbers but then I realized that a) some people find numbers tricky and b) they’re as nonsensical as a squiggle, dog, and expansive universe so why not be honest?

Holy Shit, Ghostbusters!

I saw Ghostbusters last week. I had read some of the hype, knew my lady friends who had seen it had loved it. Figured I’d enjoy it, but mostly was going because my response to men crying on the internet about female protagonists is to go with gusto to support it and flip them the bird.

The ads never looked great to me. I hadn’t seen the original. How much could I like this?

So much, my dudes. So. Fucking. Much.

Embodiment, Objectification, and Bikini Bodies

We’ve all seen this, no doubt.

And maybe nodded appreciatively or laughed and shared it on Facebook. And probably a lot of us have thought “what a nice sentiment…for everyone else.”

Seven Self-Care Strategies for Those Struggling

My phone’s lock-screen and my touchstone for the last several months.

Just about everyone I know is struggling right now–between brutal acts of police violence against Black people in the US, the Orlando shooting, climate catestrophe, the spectre of a Donald Trump presidency, Brexit, and everything else we’re inundated with constantly, people are struggling with self-care, mental health, and just being okay.

Because I talk a lot about self-care people seem to assume I’m a champ at it. Rather, I talk a lot about it because it’s something I struggle with, and something I see as a fundamental part of doing justice work. So in that spirit, I’m offering a few of the things I’ve been using in the hopes they may be helpful for others. They may not ring true for you and that’s totally cool, we all have different needs and histories and self-care will look different for all of us, but they’re here if you want to give them a go.

I Don’t Know How. You’re Better At It

Two sentences. Eight sneaky words.

I don’t know how. You’re better at it

This is how a lot of men get out of emotional labour. This is how I’ve let a lot of men get out of emotional labour.

Cooking.
Cleaning.
Planning.
Fixing.

I don’t know how to cook. I don’t see the mess. You’re good at this. You care more.

We Need to Talk About Non-Profits

Specifically, we need to talk about non-profits and complicity. Ask anyone who works in a non-profit what it’s like and you’ll hear this: under-resourced, underpaid, overworked.